I feel tongue-tied or finger-tied or whatever you call it when you want to write, but you don’t know how to start. So, I’m going to start with where I am right now. OCD is kicking my tail.
I’m scared. Anxiety has a vice-grip on my parenting life right now.
I dropped the kids off at VBS today (praise the Lord for morning drop-off VBS that I don’t have to staff) and I came home and prayed and cried. I moved on to folding laundry. Then I prayed and cried some more. Next, I multi-tasked and folded laundry and prayed at the same time.
This would be a particularly good time to have a mom to call. I was able to speak with my dad for a while and I’m so grateful for that.
Over the last year, we’ve had a long stretch of time where OCD wasn’t causing us much grief. This summer, on the other hand, is a different story. One of our kids is struggling with intrusive thoughts. This is a particularly nasty trick OCD plays. Combine a world full of horrible crap that an innocent child can stumble upon at any moment (an innocent internet search for Barbies that can bring up things you wouldn’t want to see that come up even with filters in place, foul language at the park, a scary movie, . . . .) with OCD and your sweet child suddenly can’t stop a random loop of thoughts that make them feel horrible.
Lord, come quickly. How do I raise kids in this world? It’s so different than the one I grew up in. If you would have told me, before I had kids, that my own children would be raised in an age where they could carry in their pockets access to the worst the world has to offer, I wouldn’t have believed you.
So, I hold the child who is struggling and do my best to hide my own anxiety while assuring them that they are loved and that their brain is conspiring against them. I try to think of what tools we could use to fight back. It’s not the sort of thing I have given a lot of thought. Now, I have to think about it a lot.
Mental illness doesn’t play fair. OCD isn’t simply alphabetizing your DVD’s. Oh, how I wish it was.
I made a call the therapist’s office and asked for the earliest appointment. I need it as much as my child. Have I mentioned that I’m scared? The ironic thing is that OCD is anxiety-based and mixing that together with my own tendency toward being anxious, we’re a great big mess.
I’m praying that God will fill our minds with truth. Will you pray with us?