Dear Audrey,
You are 8. In some ways, you are so much like me that I feel like I’m looking at what I would have seen in the mirror when I was your age. In other ways, you are a mystery.
The easy tears. The love of princess stories. Asking me to tell you about what it was like when you were born. Love notes to your dad and I. Asking to snuggle. That’s me.
Your gray eyes. Your ability to draw. Being unwilling to give up until you taught yourself how to tie your shoes. Having a plan to take care of horses and live on a farm when you grow up. How you clean your room and do your chores with no complaint every day. That’s you.
You asked me to snuggle tonight. I was tired and I didn’t really want to, but I did it anyway. Some day you’ll be too busy. We talked about today. We talked about Grandpa going back home and how you knew he loved you: games of tickle monster with you and your brothers, how he told all of your stories, how he prays for you and hugs you. You asked about my mom and if I cried when she died and for how many days I cried.
I told you that it was a lot of days. I tried to explain, but there is no way to really understand unless you are in the club. And I’m so glad the saddest thing you’ve experienced is saying, “goodbye” to someone that you will only be away from for a few months. I told you that moms and daughters talk about things easier than dads and daughters and that I never practiced talking to my dad when my mom was around. I didn’t have to. So, at 38 years old, I’m practicing figuring out how to talk to your Grandpa. He never had to work at it before either and it’s really a big, ball of messy, craziness, but sometimes it actually works.
Thanks for asking to cuddle me tonight. I want to be around to answer all the questions that daughters ask their moms. I have a list of things I never was able to talk to my mom about before time ran out.
Most importantly, some day, if you ever wonder what I think of you, I want you to know that I’m very proud of you. You are strong. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to. You are good at so many things and I wouldn’t trade being your mom for anything. I love you.