I just discovered that all my efforts in parenting have been misdirected.
Recently, I coached my oldest through some tricky friendship situations. I thought I did pretty well. I acknowledged that my child wasn’t an innocent little angel who needed to be coddled. I helped him figure out that the world wasn’t going to change to meet his preferred specifications. I helped him with some Life Skills! I was the best mom ever!
Until I wasn’t.
Eldest child came to me and said he was feeling like he couldn’t participate in playing with his friends because they moved on from a game he was enjoying to one that he didn’t know how to play: football. And so he sat on the sidelines. My short reign as Best Mom Ever came to a sudden end because I had failed him when it came to imparting sports skills.
I spent my efforts on friendship skills and completely neglected the sports skills.
Here’s the thing you need to know about the parenting awards- Just as soon as you figure out the rules, they change. By the time you get to the finish line, someone will have moved it.
I’m pretty much over even trying to get the crown.
There was never any chance for me anyway. I was unable to breastfeed my kids. So, according to all I’ve seen in my social media feeds, my kids don’t stand a chance in amounting to anything, being healthy, or having good attachments. I should just hang it up and go home.
It’s silly, isn’t it?
I think I am beginning to realize why there are so many things out there about how we’re failing or not failing our kids and what we should do and what she should never, ever do. Parenting is hard and the stakes are higher in this job than in most others we’ve ever attempted.
We want guarantees. We want to know that if we just do that one thing that one study says, our kids are going to be happy and healthy.
But there are no guarantees in parenting. We can do things to make it easier or harder for our kids, but it’s ultimately out of our hands. I read in a book once that we give parents too much credit for “good” kids and too much blame for “bad” ones. There is truth to that.
If breasfeeding guaranteed healthy babies, we wouldn’t need God.
If good grades guaranteed perfect kids, we wouldn’t need God.
Or rather, THEY wouldn’t need God, right?
Now that I know Ethan is interested in learning how to play football, I’m going to find a way for him to learn enough to join his friends in a casual game. We could have taught him before, but I’m not sure he was interested. When I first saw Ethan struggling with feeling left out because he wasn’t sure how to participate, my immediate thought was that I had failed as a parent and that Ethan was doomed to a life of sitting on the sidelines.
And then I took a deep breath. This isn’t a catastrophe. If Ethan was interested in this at any point before, we would have tossed a football around in the backyard with him. Now we know. We’re doing the best we can with the information we have right now and trying not to worry about what we didn’t know before. I think that’s a healthy way to approach parenting.
Love your kids and do your best with what you know. I can do that.
The only way I’m going to survive parenting is if I approach it with the idea that my kids’ struggles, shortcomings, failures and successes are not mine to carry alone.
Someone else needs to hear that today. The reason the parenting burden is impossibly heavy is because you’re carrying more than you’re meant to bear.
Love your kids and do your best with what you know. You can do that.
I can help teach football 🙂
Looking forward to it!
Bring him over here any afternoon. Just as a word of encouragement, you know we are a sports family. Our priorities are pretty much God, family, friends, sports, jobs. Jake just was never very interested. He played a bit when he was little, then quit. But he was always around baseball and basketball because of Will. He never could throw a football well and had a terrible time catching it. He used to come home sad bc he felt like he couldn’t participate in elementary school recess because no one would pass to him. Then suddenly 2 years ago something clicked. He suddenly wanted to know everything about football, baseball, and basketball. He played on his first winning basketball team ever this year and he was a part of the winning (it does not hurt that he is a giant man child). He is trying out for the middle school baseball team this month and plans to go out for football. He loves it. We love it because we get to see him engaged in something that is building healthy habits and teaching life lessons and character. He is making new friends. So don’t be discouraged. Even giving our kids all the tools needed, he felt left out in the beginning because it wasnt easybfor him. Being a part of sports I believe can be such a gift, and not just if you are the best player. It is just being out there, working hard, laughing with your friends, and learning new things.
I have one who was born with a ball in his hands for whom it just all comes naturally. But he is small and will have to prove himself because of his size. I have a giant 12 year old who is taller than and weighs more than me who got a late start learning but has passion to be a part of it. And then I have Maddie May who is dragged from this sport to that, loves to throw, hit and run, flip, jump and spin, but has only ever played on 1 team.
Good job mama for teaching him friendship skills first, the sports stuff can come later. It’s hard to teach a selfish kid how to be a teammate.
Thank you! I love that I have encouraging friends willing to help with my lacking skills 🙂
Amy, this is my favorite post from Amy writes. It is jam packed with encouraging words for all of us.
Tami, thank you for your encouragement. I’m sure some of my wisdom came from you 😉