I’ve never chosen a word to have as a focus for a year. However, this year, I found myself drawn to something that I can hang on to -Scripture.
This verse came to mind.
“You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you.” Isaiah 26:3
When my mom was alive, I would call her almost every day. Mostly, I asked her my parenting questions. Feeding, sleeping, and behavior things. I asked for her thoughts on all of it. I didn’t always take her advice and she didn’t always remember how she did things, but she listened. She helped us out when I was on bedrest with Audrey and was even there to drive me to the hospital when I went into labor.
It’s a memory I love. I’ve told the story a dozen times.
The morning of the day I went into labor, I called my mom and told her I needed help. An hour and a half after receiving my cry for help, she arrived at our house. That afternoon Audrey was born. I have a photo of Mom holding my hand as the two of us are looking over at Audrey being cleaned up in her bassinet. Both of us in shock that this little girl arrived in such a hurry.
She was always there until, suddenly, she wasn’t.
I’ve been missing having her hold my hand through learning to be a mom. I’ve wanted, desperately, to talk to her about menopause (I actually called someone I thought would be helpful and it will live on in my memory as the time I tried to talk about awkward things with someone who wasn’t my mom and who tried to get off the phone as quickly as possible. I hung up and wanted to cry.) and cry with her over all my fears about raising my kids.
I’ve been looking for a replacement for 8 years. It’s taken me 8 years to realize I’m not going to find one. And it’s taken that long to understand that it’s okay.
It’s not that I don’t miss her. I do.
The reason it’s okay is because I get to hear from God in a way I wouldn’t have any other way. I don’t think God took my mom because I relied on her too much. I do think He’s using this loss to call me closer to him.
I’m longing for peace right now. I’m holding on to lots fears. The 2017 Amy is ready to be okay not having a replacement mom to run to with the fears. It’s time to run to the one who has been waiting to give me peace all along.
“You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you.” Isaiah 26:3