In Which I Admit That My Brain Might Be Broken

Our family moved from MN to TN almost two years ago. I figured it might be time to find a doctor. At the recommendation of a friend, I chose a doctor and made an appointment. It was an uneventful appointment for the most part.

And then she asked me if I had any concerns about being sad, depressed or anxious and I started crying. For the first time in my life, I was brave enough to admit that, yes, I had sometimes had thoughts of hurting myself. Thankfully, no plans to actually do so. I’ve somehow found myself in a dark, sad, depressed and hopeless place.

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I’m afraid in sharing it here that some will question, judge or be skeptical of my experience. I truly feel like my brain is broke in some way. The time has come to actually admit that I am not able to will myself into a more sunny outlook.┬áMy fear of the stigma of having to take something to feel normal or people thinking I’m crazy is not as big as the need for my kids and husband to have a mom/wife who is fully available.

Here’s to a better 2014.

7 thoughts on “In Which I Admit That My Brain Might Be Broken

  1. Been there! Seeing a counselor really helps. The moment I realized is when I was watching a movie and one of the characters said he felt like he’d been white knuckling it for a long time. I totally felt that way, too, so I started looking for a therapist.

  2. Call me anytime and I will be all I can for you! You are loved just the way you are. We all have broken brains in one way or another. My broken brain may just be more obvious to others than your broken brain. Love Dad

  3. Thank you so much for being brave in sharing this with us. It is a painful, hard, gut -wrenching thing to go through, let alone sharing it with the world. I love you and know that I am praying for you. I am so proud of you for taking the steps to get this out in the open. That is a big deal and it is very hard to do.

  4. I’ve been there, too, although therapy wasn’t terrible effective in my case. I really believe our non-physical self can be injured, broken, ill – whatever you want to call it. We see no shame in taking medicine for a physical problem, so why is there such a stigma about taking it for a mental/emotional problem? I don’t deny that there is a stigma, but I, for one, would much rather a person feels “normal” as a result of medication than feeling constantly “not normal, or not good, at any rate.” I think it is really hard to find the cause of something if the pain of it is consuming us. We need to be rid of the pain for a while in order to study the problem closely and come up with a solution.

    I don’t claim to understand how much emotional pain you are suffering, since I don’t have that much face-to-face contact with you. But I know that I do want you to be happy, to enjoy your husband and terrific kids and to feel good about your life in general. So I say get the help you need. Do what you need to do. And don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it.


  5. Hugs and much love to you, my friend! Better for you to step forward and face things as they are, dealing with them on every level, than burying them and possibly getting worse. I love you. I pray for you every day. I thank God that we have the opportunity, no matter how small, to chat and giggle, and do things that we do. I agree with you, may 2014 be a better year for all of us, and may it be the year of your healing. <3
    Love you my dear,

  6. Thanks for sharing your journey, Amy. Since we haven’t spoken face to face in years, I’ll try to limit my comments. In the mid-90s my wife, Linda, had something of a meltdown which led to three years of therapy, prayer and medicine. As painful as the start was, it opened up a new and much healthier life for her and for us as a couple. The Psalmist says, “It was good for me to be afflicted that I might learn Your law” (somewhere in Ps 119). There is real truth there. May God give you peace as you walk with Him – he has hemmed you in before and behind (Ps 139)!

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